


Be my light

by Natendo



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Love Confession, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Saving, Soft Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Suicide Attempt, Three Houses, fe3h - Freeform, felix hugo fraldarius - Freeform, selfharm, sylvain jose gautier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-29 06:56:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21135527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natendo/pseuds/Natendo
Summary: Sylvain feels so lost and can't see any way to keep going .Can Felix show him that there is still light in his life?





	Be my light

**Author's Note:**

> This was pretty much a vent for some stuff I'm going through.  
But also Sylvix angst is just what I seem to always end up writing lol  
Honestly if you are uncomfortable with the subject of suicide or self harm I would say it's best not to read it.  
Though the message over all is positive <3  
Also a huge thankyou to my amazing S support Katie for just being amazing and so supportive T,T <3

It had been a week since Miklan had died. 

Or more accurately, a week since Sylvain and his class mates had cut his brother down. Murdering him for the sake of that loathsome relic. The same relic that now resided in his dorm room. A faint glow permanently making its presence known, as it gently pulsated and shifted there in the corner of his room. A horrific reminder of his brother’s lifeless body crumpled on the floor of that tower….. 

The funny thing was that he hated Miklan almost as much as the lance he reflected. He hadn’t shed a single tear after, continuing to smile and be his disgustingly carefree self to those around him. He may not have shed any tears but the void inside of him had grown so violently in that week that he could barely stand to breath.  
He pondered all of this as he swung his legs up and down carelessly over the ledge. He was currently sitting on a window ledge of the goddess tower; the dizzying heights sprawled out before him. He absentmindedly drained the remainder of the bottle of wine he had been nursing, throwing the glass bottle off into the expanse below him, wincing at the pain in his wrists caused by the motion. Almost as a test, to see how deadly it would be. Letting out a soft grunt of satisfaction as it vanished into the darkness below. It was the early hours of morning with only the moon and stars shining vibrantly providing a dim light. All things considered it was a beautiful night….  
Sylvain had decided that tonight was the night. This was it. Not to be dramatic, gods no. The truth of the matter is that he didn’t want anyone to know, though he doubted anyone would care if he were to disappear. Well maybe his father, but for all the wrong fucking reasons. But even if there was a chance that this could hurt someone he cared about… he didn’t want that. Of course he didn’t. Especially Felix. Felix… the only reason that he had stuck around for this long to begin with. He had been in love with Felix since they were children, it was amazing how Felix’s smile could chase away the dark thoughts; Filling that chasm in his chest with warmth. But after Glenn’s death Felix changed, everything darkened and his one lifeline began to flicker out. Of course Felix was still there, still a present force within his life. But the ache in his heart and longing for what once had been became increasingly suffocating since arriving at the officer’s academy. 

How do you keep going when you are hollowed out? Feeling only in fleeting moments, so numb to the world around you. He had spent his life existing as means to an end, an heir to a title he never asked for. He was hated by his own fucking brother for goddess’s sake. The one person who should have loved and protected him, but instead actively sought to end his life. He would watch Felix and Glenn as a child, feeling his chest tighten as longing and envy crept into his heart. As a child he would cry himself to sleep at night, asking the goddess why no one loved him. Was he really so awful? So unlovable? But as he grew he learned to supress the tears, what good did it do to cry anyway? He seen his life as a casualty of the crest system, just another worthless cog in the machine. And that machine had chewed him up and spit him out.  
With the light of hope Felix brought into his life slowly flickering out, he started to crave death. His existence was a burden he just couldn’t stand anymore. Of course knowing how final suicide was, he had repeatedly talked himself out of it. But now, here he was. Sitting on the edge and so ready to be done. Ready to end this pathetic existence, one that brought only pain and disappointment. The tears began to pool in the corners of his eyes. Was life meant to be so hard? Was it like this for everyone? Maybe he was just too weak to handle it. Gods if only he could have a redo, just run away from the life that was planned out for him. Take a new name and start fresh. But his heart was already so damaged, his mind tormented by his past. There was no way to turn this life he had been painstakingly living anymore. The only option was to disappear. To cease existing altogether. The tears began to roll down his cheeks, his breath hitching in his throat. He rose onto his feet leaning over the edge, readying himself to step into the void. In that moment all he could think of was Felix, his smile, his warmth, his voice. Just Felix. He would never see him again and that thought caused him to hesitate, teetering on the edge tears dripping down his cheeks falling into the darkness below.  
“SYLVAIN” 

\--

An hour previous:  
Felix thrashed restlessly in his bed; he had been trying to fall asleep for the better part of an hour. It was early morning and he just couldn’t settle. Loathe as he was to admit it, ever since they had slain Miklan sleep had eluded him. Not because he was particularly upset about his death, on the contrary he relieved that Miklan’s reign of terror had come to an end. Knowing full well how he had tortured Sylvain as a child. Even before he transformed into a beast before their eyes, he was already a monster. His inability to sleep stemmed from concern, concern for Sylvain. He has seen the expression on Sylvain’s face as his brother had morphed into a terrifying beast, the way his eyes lost their spark. Though he would never voice it, he took pride in being able to read his best friend in a way that no one else could. To see through his fake smiles and read the true underlying emotions. And over the last week what he had seen beneath the surface terrified him. Sylvain seemed to have completely shut off his eyes devoid of the warmth once present. That beautiful shine that still took his breath away. He was terrified, but didn’t know what to do about it. Sylvain was still behaving as he usually would; to the outsider he seemed to be perfectly fine. Though he had been worried all week, something about Sylvain’s expression, as he retired from the dining hall that night had haunted Felix. The way he said goodbye, when the hell did Sylvain ever even say that particular word when he left? Fuck. There was something so wrong about the whole interaction and Felix couldn’t shake that fear and the pit in his stomach it created.  
He pulled on his uniform and a coat against the cold, and left his room. Quietly walking to Sylvain’s dorm room door. He knocked gently with his knuckles and waited for a minute. Silence. He the handle ready to knock more aggressively when the door pushed open a slither. Clearly it was unlocked. A spike of fear rose in his chest as he pushed the door fully open, why wasn’t it locked? His eyes widened as he stepped into the room, Sylvain wasn’t present. But what he saw had him reeling, chest aching and terror taking over.  
Sylvain was known for having a particularly tidy room. Everything in its place, he would often tease Felix for being so disorganised by comparison. But his room was a state now, floor littered with crumpled paper, ink blotches all over his desk. So many discarded letters from what Felix could discern. Empty bottles of wine were strewn across the carpet leaking the remaining contents in a dark red stain on the floor. His hands began to shake as a glint of steel caught his attention. A dagger carelessly thrown onto Sylvain’s bed covered in blood. Sylvain’s blood? Hands trembling he lifted the dagger, this much blood could only be from a deep wound, had Sylvain done this to himself? The ground shifting below his feet as the pieces began to fall into place in his mind. Was Sylvain trying to… No. He couldn’t finish the though swallowing his now incredibly dry throat. Panic setting in he moved to the desk grabbing at the discarded letters. Looking for clues. Or something to indicate that maybe Felix was over reacting. Reading into this wrong. Gods please let him be wrong. Most the crumpled letters were incoherent rambling, but he found one with a paragraph discarded in the bin. He frantically smoothed it out and began to read:  
‘I know what you will think. That it’s selfish of me. That I’m leaving others behind and it was wrong. But I know the truth. No one loves me okay? No one has ever loved me. I have spent my life surrounded by others, and yet I am so desperately alone. The only light I had to guide me through the darkness changed, and now I am drowning in this sea of dark. I can’t keep living like this, and I can’t be what is expected of me. I guess I’m weak? Gods, I can’t handle existing anymore. I really am sorry if I cause pain to anyone, I don’t want that. Especially not for… Felix. I wish things had been different. But Felix I want you to know that I am and always will be so grateful for the years I had with you. The years of shining light you brought to my lonely world. The only glimpse of love and warmth I ever knew came from you. Your beautiful perfect smile. Thank you for the memories …’  
Felix’s eyes were wide, tears streaming freely down his cheeks. “You are not alone you fool, and you are loved” he whispered. Barely audible even to himself. He dropped the letter and without realising it had begun running. Running faster than he had ever gone in his life, panting and frantic. As he bolted down the stables the goddess tower caught his eye. Something the way the moonlight hit off the tower. Something telling him in his heart and soul that it’s where he needed to be.  
Panting with red cheeks, hair stuck to his face he threw himself up the steps taking 3 at a time. And as he reached the top, he came to a sudden stop. Freezing in place, not daring to breathe. There on the ledge of a window hanging over the edge was Sylvain. That gorgeous mop of red hair striking in contrast with the dark night sky.  
His hand unconsciously reached out towards Sylvain and he called out voice cracking  
“SYLVAIN"

\--

Sylvain froze eyes widening. Felix? He must be going crazy, how could Felix possibly have known where to find him? He turned his head still positioned precariously over the edge of the sill. Voice cracked and shaking he couldn’t even muster a smile  
“What are you doing here Felix?” tears were still pouring down his cheeks  
Felix visibly flinched hearing Sylvain’s voice and seeing his completely broken expression. Felix felt his heart shatter. Vowing to never let Sylvain feel this helplessly lost and alone ever again. He bit his lip, only honesty would work in a situation as fragile as this he realised.  
“I had a bad feeling in my gut, and couldn’t sleep. I went to your room, and found…. The letter. Sylvain I gods I don’t know where to begin. I wish you had come to me. Had told me how you felt” he trailed off trying to find the right words.  
Sylvain sighed deeply his eyes heavy and dark, so lost.  
“Talking won’t fix this Fe. I don’t want to exist anymore and talking can’t change that. I…if you read the letter you know already. I am alone. And no one has ever loved me. Fe I have nothing and no one.” He sobbed as he confessed these thoughts to Felix his whole body heaving “I …. God’s I feel so lost. I can’t keep living like this. I just can’t.”  
Felix taking slow steps forward arms outstretched, with tears still running down his face uncontrollably.  
“Sylvain you are not alone. I am right here. I have always been there. I know that I …changed after Glenn. I shut myself down and I realise now that it was so selfish of me. I didn’t see your pain, and I stopped being your light. Sylvain let me be your light once more. Let me light the way to a future where you can be happy again. You say no one has ever loved you. But I have always loved you, you fool. Sylvain I love you so much it hurts”  
He paused for a moment considering his next words carefully. Sylvain had shifted moving back off the ledge a little, one hand shaking but outstretched towards Felix. He was getting through, but he had to get him off the ledge and into his arms before he could breathe again.  
“Felix I..”  
Felix cut in before he could continue  
“You said in the letter that I had been your light right? Well consider this. Sylvain you are my light. IF you died then I would have no one to light my way. Remember our promise? If you want to go, then I will be right there behind you. You don’t want that do you?”  
He had reached Sylvain and reached out gently pulling him down from the ledge, cupping Sylvain’s face in his hands. Sylvain let out a wail, looking so pained that Felix’s heart almost shattered. Through the sobs Sylvain croaked out.  
“Felix I love you so much it fucking kills me. I never thought…. I never thought you might return the feeling. I am so broken Fe, I don’t know how to fix this. I am so tired Fe”  
Felix pulled him into a fierce embrace stroking the back of his head, Sylvain crumpled into the embrace wholly surrendering to felix.  
“It will take time. It won’t be easy Sylvain. But we will do it together. We will have each other. I am yours and you are mines. We will put the pieces back together again together. And you will smile again I promise. There will be dark times ahead, but know that we will face them together as one. You don’t have to do this alone, and I will be your light in the dark. Always.”  
Sylvain Still sobbing pushed back just enough to rest his forehead on Felix’s and look into his tear streaked eyes.  
“I love you. Thank you for saving me Fe” he sobbed  
Felix shook his head.  
“thank the gods I found you in time Sylvain. I love you so much”  
Felix gently pulled Sylvain into a kiss. It was warm and loving but fierce and terrifying at the same time. Sylvain was still scared, still broken. But in that moment the void in his chest began to fill with the light and love from Felix. And he knew that he would get through this. No. They would get through this together. 

\--

They sat together watching the starry sky for what felt like hours just kissing gently and holding one and other. The dawn starting to shine through with pinks and oranges in the sky. Sylvain smiled his first genuine smile in what felt like a lifetime.  
“Hey Fe?”  
Felix turned to face him looking at him with such tenderness and concern that Sylvain melted. “hmm?”  
He kissed him on the forehead hands linked together.  
“The world seems so much brighter with you by my side”  
Felix’s smile was so gentle and warm; he nestled into Sylvain’s chest.  
“I will always be your light”  
The sun rose gently over the tower and even though the light shone so vibrantly, It couldn’t hold a candle to the beautiful light shining forth from the couple sitting before it .  
Even when the world seems impossible you will see the light.  
There is always a light waiting to guide you.


End file.
